Into the Mind of a Bored Vampire
by Phantomagorical
Summary: So, yeah. I'm Spike. And, uh... I don't really know what to say, other than 'enjoy'.
1. Chapter 1

19th November, 2015

You know that feeling of boredom that consumes you to the point of not being bloody bothered to even get out of bed just to grab a Bloody Mary (Yes, there is blood in it as well as tomato juice...), and you just lie in your bed contemplating your life decisions that led you up to that point? Yeah, me too. Although I'm not actually at the stage of just laying sprawled on the bed humming 'White Wedding' by Billy Idol. Actually hang on, that was yesterday. Oh dear.

Anyway, as I was cutting up courgettes for the Ratatouille that night-yes, I eat normal food as well as blood-I was pondering on how best to kill that spider in the bath tub. I didn't know whether to pull it's legs off one by one and then squish the body with a book from Giles' prize collection, or just to smash it with my shoe. I opted for the shoe. So, I was cutting up countless vegetables, and along comes Miss Willow. She's always been quite unsure of me, I must say. She seemed to be looking for something.

"Any thing I can help with you with, my dear?" I asked her, then realised how creepy I sounded. Even by my standard that was a creepy thing to say.

"Oh, uh... Do you know where Buffy went?" She mumbled. She looked at me as if I was going to kill her.

"Ok, first of all, you know that I'm not going to kill you because I can't anymore. Not that I would kill you in the first place, but..."

"That's reassuring." She said, smiling sadly.

"Oh, and Buffy's gone to buy more steaks."

"Stakes? I thought she stoked up on that and Holy Water yesterday?" She asked me, looking rather confused. I returned that look, and then it dawned on me.

"Oh, steak as in the MEAT, not stake as in the WEAPON!" I laughed. "We're having steak and Ratatouille tonight. Old man Giles left me here to prepare the veggies for the Ratatouille. I was going to say no, but he said I could use the kitchen knives. For some reason he's always been reluctant in letting me handle them, let alone allowing me to prepare food in the kitchen..."

"Maybe he's worried you might add blood to everything." She suggested.

"I've told him already that I like to mix things up. Do you know how boring it would be to drink blood for every single meal? I drink it in the morning, or mix it with my cornflakes, and then it's just regular food for the rest of the day! Why do humans always think that all our diets consist of is blood, bloody blood, and-what else? Oh yes, BLOOD."

"I'm sorry to anger you." She mumbled. Damn it, I was having one of my rants.

"Don't worry about it." I started to peel the aubergines, and then looked back around at her.

"Why do you need Buffy anyway?" I asked.

"Uh, nothing major, I just wanted to talk to her about something private."

"Oh, okay." I said and then turned back around to the counter.

"If you see her, can you tell her that I was looking for her?" She asked.

"Yep." I replied.

"Okay, see you later, Spike."

"Yep." From the mouse-like steps on the floor, I assumed she had left.

I must have been in that kitchen for about 45 minutes, peeling aubergines, cutting up courgettes-you know, regular stuff- before I heard the front door open and close. Must be Buffy. The frustrated sigh and stomping feet confirmed that it was indeed Buffy. So-

You know what, I'm too bored to write anything else. I think I'll just continue this tomorrow and then go down to the old club. Yeah, I'm a lazy vampire, deal with it.


	2. Chapter 2

24th October, 2016

Well, it's been a bloody while, hasn't it?

I probably owe you all an explanation- although I doubt you really care, to be honest. I mean, honestly, why would you? I've been absent for a year, nothing exciting has happened. Do you really want to know what has stopped me from confessing my problems and recollecting insignificant moments from my life?

I lost the bloody journal.

Doesn't seem like much of an excuse, but it's true. It turns out Willow, bless her little awkward heart, had been practicing her magic stuff in the basement, my room, and next thing you know she made half of my bloody stuff invisible. I naturally forgave her, which for a vampire to do is quite strange. Maybe I'm becoming a right old softy. Anyway, it took her a while for her to find the reversal spell, and it was past Easter when she finally used it.

So that takes me to the second part of the story. I had nothing to write. That's it, nothing exciting or of any significance.

I guess I should give you all an update on how everyone is.

Giles: Same old Brit who thinks I'm a twit. The feeling's mutual, buddy.

Buffy: Finds me irritating, but tolerates me. I think she secretly likes me.

Willow: Is starting to feel more comfortable around me. She's getting better in her Wicca stuff, I must say.

Xander: Gees, this idiot? I guess he has a bit of a sense of humor. God knows, we could do with more of that around here...

Anya: And I thought I was weird. Maybe it's the optimism: I don't do well with overly positive people.

That's everyone, I suppose. Or everyone I bothered learning the names of.

Has anyone else heard of that film series Twilight? Since when the hell did vampires sparkle? Or look like that? I thought I was depressing; at least I'm funny. And, if I say so myself, quite a handsome bloke. Imagine my shock when I found out there were books too.

Anyway, that's all from me today, I suppose. I do apologize for the year long hiatus, along with not having anything particularly exciting to write about. What do you expect? I'm a vampire. The only thing that excites me these days is the idea that they may be creating pumpkin-spiced Bloodicino. Yep. I'm bored, and my life at the moment is boring.


End file.
